Grief Is Not Regret

Sunday, November 21, 2010 Stef dela Cruz 0 Comments

It felt like grief was appropriate.


Today, I met up with a friend and we talked about the past eight years. Eight years is a long time to allow yourself to live your life and make mistakes – in other words, there was a lot of fun stuff to talk about. But something started to creep in, that feeling again. That epiphany that you’re doing something wrong.


Story after story, my epiphany turned to a solid conclusion. I wasn’t wrong to feel like I lost something… precious.


It’s not something tangible, not something you can hold in your hands and look at. It isn’t something you can keep in a box; it isn’t something you can store in a safe until forever. It’s as fleeting as time, as volatile as air.


And I lost it.


I walked home with a heavy heart. It was a great day – any day spent with old friends is always a great day. But unbeknownst to my friend, our conversation opened a deep wound which I thought has healed long ago.


GRIEF. That is the only word that can describe what I’m going through.


You glean the most unexpected bits of wisdom at the most unexpected times. I shouldn’t be sad because my realization will spare me a lot of grief in the future. It’s for your own good! It’s going to be okay! But hey, it did not spare me from grief today. There it is, the sadness you get after realizing you haven’t really learned much after eight years.


But why grief? Because I know what had to be done. And I am more than ever determined to accomplish my goal. Perhaps I make better decisions now… but my mind is just as immature as it used to be. I stick proverbial pins in my body and expect no pain? How stupid! I have always been a fool.


And the world is probably laughing at me. God, an eight-year-old mistake is about to bite me in the ass.


It will pass, I know. It is not my nature to stay sad for long. I just want to stay here a little longer and feel my loss before I move on. I want to wallow in my pain, in knowing that I am not perfect. I don’t want to make the same mistakes anymore. I would rather scar myself for life right now,, punch a hole in my chest and fill it with acid, rather than feel this kind of soul-shattering grief  lateR.


Like I said… It felt like grief was appropriate. See what I mean?

Stef dela CruzAbout the blogger
Stef dela Cruz is a doctor and writer. She received the 2013 Award for Health Media from the Department of Health. She maintains a health column in Health.Care Magazine and contributes to The Manila Bulletin. Add her to your circles.