Confessions from the Netherworld

Friday, November 19, 2010 Stef dela Cruz 0 Comments

My old life.

Everytime I go back to that place, I wince. I can’t believe that inside this almost superficial, arguably optimistic facade lies a dormant entity I almost can’t recognize. There’s a darkness I can’t fathom anymore. I am lost to what that entity is, but it carries the same name as mine.

Yes, people change. I used to be so spiteful. I was best at exacting revenge. I always, always got what I wanted. Manipulation was something I have learned to master. “I make or break people” – yes, I used to say that for a reason.

I make or break people. Makes me shiver.

Fast forward to today. The Stef who once said that no longer exists – at least, not while I live. I’ve been keeping it at bay. I have succeeded. I have won. But I still can’t believe that was how it used to be.

Do you have a morbid side? Do you have a story to tell, a story so dark you would rather not share it even with the people you hold dear?

I regret having hurt so many people. Still, I am glad I came from there, the “other side.” I know the secrets. I know how the vicious people think. I am no longer as manipulative as I used to be – in fact, I can’t make myself wrap people around my finger – but I know exactly what goes on in the minds of people who used to be like me.

“Stef, you are

so heartless.”

I no longer am, okay? I’ve learned to be kinder. I’ve learned to forget. But once in a while, I do feel scared. What if she comes back, that venomous antithesis of myself? I will always, always keep her at bay. I have people to protect now. I need to protect them from me.

She comes back, once in a while. In my dreams. I get the nightmares. They’re still there. And they come often whenever I seem to be happy.

I make or break people. What a reminder of how I used to be. I wonder if people see that in my eyes. I am afraid they do.

Thank God nobody reads my blog.

*Disclaimer: The above blog post is not based on a true story… or is it?

Stef dela CruzAbout the blogger
Stef dela Cruz is a doctor and writer. She received the 2013 Award for Health Media from the Department of Health. She maintains a health column in Health.Care Magazine and contributes to The Manila Bulletin. Add her to your circles.