Crappy Day

Friday, July 16, 2010 Stef dela Cruz 0 Comments

I need to lie down. And to seriously forget that this world has people in it. People who keep disappointing me. People who keep pushing my buttons.

And I don’t even know I have buttons!!!

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. What happens then? Do I cry again?

I’m seriously upset. I’m making up a happy universe, allowing myself to believe that people care for me. I’m giving everybody else a hard time, making sure they stay within arms reach but never too close. I’m so afraid to feel happy again that I’d rather be alone.

Thank God nobody reads my crap. Nobody has to see how vulnerable I am now. Everybody feels I can do it, that I’m some superhuman alien who can make things happen.

I don’t want to be rich, to be powerful, to be on top of the world, to be anything anybody wants to be. Been there, done that. I’ve had it all – I’ve seen the world from the eyes of a person I no longer recognize. Now, I’ve dressed down to a simpler me and I like myself better. Is that so hard for anyone to understand?

I just want to be happy. Yet here I am, drowning in my own I-told-you-so’s, feeling rather stupid. I. Am. So. Stupid.

I need a drink.

Stef dela CruzAbout the blogger
Stef dela Cruz is a doctor and writer. She received the 2013 Award for Health Media from the Department of Health. She maintains a health column in Health.Care Magazine and contributes to The Manila Bulletin. Add her to your circles.